911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
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Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
i wish i could marry a nap
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
constantly working on myself.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Hmmmmm
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
this has to be peak English
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.