Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
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I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye