Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
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Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
wtf is an acronym
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Found my door mat
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.