“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
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When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.