Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
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normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
We decided to have money instead of children.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Thursday Thought.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.