What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
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Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
@funTweeters
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.