Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
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[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one