New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
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Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
what could possibly go wrong?
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me