If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
You Might Also Like
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves