GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
You Might Also Like
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Whisper out to librarians!
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Not all heroes wear capes…
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason