Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
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the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
You had me at “define legal”.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Great acting.. 😂
My dog ate my work from home.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food