Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
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#have a #great #PancakeDay
Get off my horse you stupid moon
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
pep talk
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting