The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
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Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices