Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
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Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.