*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
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When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Worlds greatest photobomb
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?