If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
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We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”