My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
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I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview