Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
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[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.