When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
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I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.