“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
You Might Also Like
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Cheers Twitter.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.