WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
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Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Bike is short for Bichael.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.