When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
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Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah