Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
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Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
doing your own taxes
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”