Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
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Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
$3 #books
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks