[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
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I don鈥檛 need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
very niche meme I made
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
just once i鈥檇 like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn鈥檛 have amnesia. She owes you money.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn鈥檛 eat you back.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn鈥檛 get the package 馃槖
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
god: you鈥檙e a pig
pig: huh
god: you鈥檙e filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c鈥檓on
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here鈥檚 the thing
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
She: I like Cats
He:
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.