6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
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Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.