Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
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There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]