this is the best day of my life
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[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean