If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
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Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.