It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
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me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*