Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
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Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Not recommended for beginners.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.