What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
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I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.