As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
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Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.