Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
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[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this