My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
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German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
so, is there a mister shapen head
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Doormats are a gateway rug.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*