I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
You Might Also Like
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Just why bro?!
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in