Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
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Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.