For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
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[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
concern
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Finally a use for spoilers…
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Dead sexy!!