“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
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Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Okay
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.