*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
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Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!