National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
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[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
There’s always that one guy
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.