cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
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Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.