WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
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People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them