Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
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EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.