Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
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The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.