*controversially pours a glass of milk*
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date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
he looks great for his age
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you