*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
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Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.