boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
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Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic