Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
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How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.