I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
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Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”